The Smelker Seven

We Did It!

Ok, I know it has been almost two months since I posted last - sorry to those of you who come by and check my blog.

First off - Happy New Year! 2008, a momentous year for many reasons is behind us, 2009 is filled with new hope, new promises and plenty of broken resolutions! I know I have several that I do plan on keeping, one of which is to get back into training for the triathlon. December was a 'bad' month in that I slacked on the training to focus on horse riding. We were given a horse at the beginning of December and I have been spending inordinate amounts of time at the stable riding our Thoroughbred-Quarter Horse mix. Espresso is a delight and the whole family has enjoyed being at the stables, riding, grooming, bathing and just spending time with one of God's magnificent creatures. Here is Espresso:


In other news - I had blogged in November about 101 days of sex, although in our case we decided it would have to be 102 days in order to ring in the New Year in the best way! MISSION ACCOMPLISHED! Terry and I completed our 'mission' this morning! Without sounding trite and cutesy, I will say it has been one of the best things we have done for our marriage, for our family and for ourselves.

Not every day was easy, although 99% of the time it was. One night about a month ago Terry had a migraine. Recently I had strep throat which made me feel less than glamourous, but through it all we made it! When Terry had his migraine I sent him to bed to sleep it off for a while and then I came in and woke him up. When I had strep throat we just made sure we didn't kiss! There were a handful of nights where the thought of going to bed, reading for a few minutes and then turning out the light sounded far more appealing than the alternative.

However the days of anticipation, the days of having fun, the days of enjoyment far outweigh the 'blah' days. And I discovered something that I know has been talked about in ladies magazines since time immemorial - having sex does make you feel better! There were a couple of times I had a headache. Pre-102 days I would have begged off sex, taken a couple of Ibuprofen and gone to bed. But instead I focused my husband and our pleasure and whammo - wouldn't you know it - headache gone!

Not only that but whether my appearance has changed or not, I 'feel' sexier! My appearance has changed too though. I have lost weight, become more toned and am definitely more limber. I think it is a cycle - I wanted to be desirable to Terry, so I began to work out; and because of the work outs I feel sexier, which gives me the incentive to work out, which makes having fun in the bedroom easier...

I mentioned in my November blog that one of the biggest benefits has been seen outside of the bedroom - in the area of communication. Terry and I have actively worked on our communication skills over the years; especially in the last two years. But like all couples we come at things from different angles and it is easy to be on the same side of the argument and not even realise it! However, there is something about sexual intimacy that opens up all channels of communication. Plenty of sex does not equal sexual intimacy, don't get me wrong. Porn stars have plenty of sex, but they're not intimate with the people they're having sex with - it is just an act for them. Sexual intimacy develops over time and is more than just a romp in the bedroom! It encompasses all aspects of one's married life.

Since beginning our 102 days of sex in September Terry and I have had exactly three disagreements. And I am not talking arguments or voices-raised-I-am-really-mad-at-you arguments, but small "I thought you said/meant/wanted such-and-such" type disagreements. For two people who are talkers and who have differing viewpoints on issues, that is almost a miracle!

Some may think that the reason for so few disagreements is the idea that you want to keep the peace so that you don't spoil the mood. That might partly be the case, but does not hold true for me. If I am upset then sex will not be enjoyable. And seeing the idea of 102 days of sex was to enjoy ourselves, what is the point of having sex just to keep score? "Yep, 51 down, 51 to go, but I am hating every minute of it!" What's the point of that?

No, the biggest reason we get along so well these days is because we truly communicate on many levels. The sexual odyssey deepened other aspects of our marriage, and cemented our love for one another and our commitment to one another. There are subtle changes in our relationship - a new kind of thoughtfulness has crept in. I don't know how many of you have read the Five Love Languages by Gary Chapman, but I think that is a book all married couples should read! My primary love language is gifts. Over the years it has been hit and miss for Terry in that aspect. More miss than hit actually! At the beginning of 2008 he really began to improve, but it is during these 102 days he really 'got it'. In the past he couldn't understand why I would get upset when I'd see him buy stuff for himself, and never for me (unless it was my birthday or Christmas). A couple of years ago he come home with some flowers for me and the kids panicked thinking they'd forgotten my birthday! We'd actually have arguments about it because for years because I felt so unappreciated. His attitude used to be, "Well. Just go buy it yourself if you want the darn thing so much." He couldn't see that if he bought it for me (whatever 'it' was) it would mean more, and show me that he was thinking of me. He has become really good at it now. When he goes to the bookstore to buy a magazine, he picks up a book for me. If he goes to the grocery store for groceries, he'll buy a card for me. Those gestures are so meaningful.

I too have realised that his primary love language is words of affirmation, and not just in the privacy of our home, but out in public. No man wants to hear his wife belittle him in front of people. I have never knowingly done that (I know better!) but I have made the effort to actively praise him in front of friends and family - and it is not false praise either. I truly feel blessed to be married to Terry - he loves God with his whole heart, he sacrifices for his family, he works hard to provide for us, he loves his kids so very much, he is compassionate, he is exceptionally gifted and talented, he is witty, smart, bright and most of all, he is MINE!

Some of my friends who knew that we had embarked on this adventure and have said, "Oh. I could never do that!" You don't know until you try! Don't allow the excuses to pile up - 'I'm too tired, too busy, too fat, too upset, too sick, too..." - Just Do It! We did - even with our five kids, our home-based businesses, our church commitments, and everyday activities that accompany all of the above.

I am not sure what we will do next - I do know however that our lives will never be the same again! The things we've learnt about each other, the communication skills we've acquired, the deepened understanding we have for one another are valuable treasures that neither one of us will take for granted.

Stay tuned - knowing us and our penchant for the unexpected we'll come up with something!

Labels: 101 days, 102 days, communication, Espresso, Five Love Languages, kids, sex, Terry

posted by The Smelker Seven @ 10:15 AM